As she reaches over to whisper her final words to the only man she ever loved, she says “Hahaha!” What the hell was that? Why is she laughing? It’s not her; it’s the person sitting a few rows in front of me. Not this again…
Over the past year, I have been attending the cinema on a regular basis, as I always have. I’ve seen some great films, some shocking films, some sad and Oscar winning films. Amongst the good, comes the bad. But I’m not talking about what I see on the screen, I mean the general movie-going public. Those who put us through hell by talking during vital parts of dialogue, arriving late and leaving to relieve themselves, or grazing on crisps. (Whoever thought of bringing those in as a selection in the lobby deserves a kicking!) Why has going to cinema become so difficult? I now beg that I don’t have any half-wits parading through at the worst times, but most of the time there is someone to ruin the experience. Perhaps some rules need to be followed.
1. No talking from the start of the trailers.
I love watching trailers. Chances are I have seen them before but I still enjoy that thrill of a new film. There was a time when I paid a rather high rate to see the final Harry Potter movie at the cinema in Westfield. My friend and I wanted to see it somewhere special and it’s a truly fantastic screen. Nice and big, plenty of seat, lots of room, better than your average cinema. We sit down and throughout the film, people to our left are talking. On and off during the film. How stupid can people be to not just shut the fuck up during a film? And why the hell would you pay such a steep price to talk to your friends? Fuck off outside you dicks! Excuse that outburst but it pisses me off!
2. No noisy food at all.
It’s as bad as those who eat crisps ion the cinema. I once heard the Alfred Hitchcock banned popcorn from his films. I don’t know how true this is but it’s an interesting concept. No food at all in the cinema. Popcorn isn’t too bad, you can be careful with it; you can eat it quietly if you put a little effort in. But things like crisps are absurd! The rustling of the bag, the rattling around the bag trying to find a few crisps and finally crunching it in your mouth. Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Really? You bought crisps? Another reason intelligence tests should be taken by all those entering the screen. Idiots.
3. Everyone’s phone is to be placed in a locker outside of the screen and it will be returned after the film has finished.
During an advanced screening of Prometheus that I was lucky enough to snag a free ticket to, my phone, along with everyone else’s, was taken off of them put into a little plastic bag and stored until after the screening had ended. They did this so they could keep the secrets of Ridley Scott’s return to the sci-fi genre and rightly so. A real film fan will never want a plot ruined or an end given away, no matter how over hyped a film may be. So after it ended we queued up, most of us patient enough, collected our phones and left. Very simple, no hassle, no stress. Is this too much to ask of everyday cinema? If we did give up our phones, which no one should be using at all whilst being entertained, no longer would we notice that glow in the corner of our eye, or hear the vibration or god forbid a ringtone at the most inopportune moments. Perhaps removing the phone from a person is going a step too far. But it’s still worth thinking about.
4. No leaving the screen at any point after the trailer have begun and no arriving late.
If you have a bladder the size of a child’s maybe the cinema isn’t the place for you. Think of somewhere you can go and have fun move around as much as you want without disturbing anyone else. A bar? A pub? A club? Just go outside? Getting up to relieve yourself and returning moments later seems very strange doesn’t it? You leave and miss part of the film to do something you could have done before you sat down. You can’t rewind, you can’t pause, and you can’t stop. You miss a few minutes. To me, that could potential ruin the film, I wouldn’t exactly be lost but I don’t want to think that I haven’t seen something vital. This then causes the problem of talking, again. Does it ever end?!
These rules I have come up with may be extreme but I’m sure most if not all of you can relate to inconsiderate tossers who we come across at the most awful times. We all put up with the intolerances of everyday life but when it comes to the cinema should we not leave it all at the door, walk through, sit down, shut up and watch? Or am I wrong? Maybe we will come to a time when we need these rules but until then either endure it or do what I did once, yell for them to shut the fuck up.
Keep It Reel.